61

Today is my birthday. I don’t mind telling you how old I am because I worked damn hard to get here. I have walked this planet for 61 years, believe it or not. And every day I wake up able to rise and shine, I am grateful.

This morning, I spent time on the beach drinking coffee and writing in my journal. I watched my dolphin friends parade back and forth several times. On one pass, a couple of them threw their tails up higher than was necessary and then rolled their bodies up and out of the surf. I thanked them heartily.

A string of birds flying in formation caught my attention. The formation pattern shifted constantly, creating lots of different moving pictures in the sky.

I typically do not enjoy my birthday. I feel pressure, either external or internal — or both — to make something big happen for myself, to be a big kind of happy. It’s too hard. Especially this time of year. Everyone is recovering from the big Christmas blowout.

I have threatened for many years to run away to the beach for my birthday and I finally did it! It has been completely liberating to celebrate my life by living it on my own terms.

After writing a while, I sat in the sunshine, fell asleep in the sand, went to a deli and bought a sandwich, ate the sandwich, took a proper nap in bed, drank tea, read notes from friends, packed up most of my stuff in preparation for leaving, and then, I did what I have not done in a year and a half: I took a bath! Because there is no bathtub where I live. Only a shower. So that was my happy birthday!

But really, this entire trip has been a celebration of me. I gave myself this time to heal from an immense sorrow. And every day has been a blessing. Every day I feel stronger, clearer, happier. This evening was a testament to that.

For some reason, I was clearing out my voicemails, and I happened upon a few that I’d forgotten about from the Oregon guy. I listened to them. Why? I don’t know. To see what kind of response I had to them, I guess. To test my heart to see if it was all better, maybe. No good reason. BUT. They didn’t make me cry. They didn’t make me sad or angry. They just annoyed me. So I happily deleted them.

Am I becoming more callous? Probably. But I probably need to.

Betrayal is a common theme in my life. And I don’t bounce back from that kind of hurt very quickly. In the past, I’ve given people multiple opportunities to redeem themselves after they betrayed my trust. But here’s the thing: I remember this time when exhusbandguy nearly hit me in the head with a beer bottle after screaming bloody murder at me. It just missed me. I ran out of the house and tried to find someone to help me. But every person I called said they didn’t want to get involved. I had to go back home by myself. Once I got there, exhusbandguy was crying and apologizing over and over and saying he didn’t ever want to hurt me. And I thought, how many times will I accept his apology? Nothing changes. He’ll lash out at me again. Because he always does.

So it is with people who have lost my trust. When I give them opportunities to earn my trust back, but they repeatedly disappoint, it’s time to let go. This is a different type of abusive relationship. And it’s bad for me.

Oregon guy messed up several times. I always forgave him and gave him another chance. My mistake.

So yes, I have to be a bit more callous, a bit less forgiving. I’m 61, for goodness sake! It’s time!

I had a dream last night in which there were two gigantic dogs. Irish Wolfhound size. I was told to be gentle around them as they are sometimes wary of people. But they immediately warmed to me and were comfortable in my presence. The dream was very tactile in that I had a distinct sense of having a very large paw in my hand. I remember the weight and heft of it.

Gentle, loving, and loyal beings. I am grateful for this reminder of the type of person I want to be. And the type of people I’d love to be with.

I leave Chicamacomico day after tomorrow. I have big plans for tomorrow that will take me down to Frisco and Hatteras. Tonight, I will rest in the peace and assurance that I am getting stronger, smarter, braver, and happier. I will say my gratitude for the abundant blessings in my life. And lastly, I will say thank-you to you, dear reader, for walking beside me.