So This is Christmas

The beach was devoid of people this morning as I sat in the sand sipping coffee. An odd black bird with bright round eyes joined me. Another landed nearby, and another. They seemed unafraid of me, curious even. As curious as I was about them. I didn’t ask if they had a message for me. I just watched them. I felt too empty to ask. Or too full. I don’t know which. I just sat and watched as they hopped in their funny way. With my sunglasses and hoodie, I’m sure I looked funny to them.

I watched the water for a long time, content to be still and quiet and warm in the sun. I noticed a Jack Russell puppy down the beach playing with his person and could not keep from smiling at the hilarity. As if he knew I was watching, the puppy turned towards me and ran at full speed.

“Ozzie! Ozzie! Come see me!” I’d met this little guy yesterday. He’s four months old and loves people. He jumped all over me, alternating between licking my face and tugging at the sleeve of my hoodie with his sharp puppy teeth. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. It felt good. Ozzie got bored and ran towards the ocean but turned back to jump all over me again. His person tried to persuade Ozzie to come with him but Ozzie began furiously digging in the sand. What a delight!

Ozzie and his person left. I cleaned the sand from the lid of my coffee cup — sand that Ozzie had slung onto it with Tasmanian Devil-like fury. I slowly sipped more coffee. And along came another Jack Russell. This was an 11 year-old girl named Lexie who, I could tell, was not enjoying the wind. But she was very sweet and visited with me for a short while before heading on her way with her person.

I received happy Christmas messages from several friends today, from my mom, my aunt, my daughter, my son, and my sister-in-law. The love that has been expressed to me during this time has sustained me and I am so grateful for it.

I took a blanket out to the beach and laid on it, listening to the sound of the water. Sad feelings arose a couple of times. I just let them be. I wrote in my journal but could think of no great insights. This is a process, this letting go of hurt. I can’t make it happen any faster. Just like the waves, the feelings come and go, ebb and flow.

I have four more days here. Four more days of freedom to simply be. I’d like to think that I can become fixed by the end of that time. Solid. Strong. Ready to resume my life. Nothing is that simple. Or maybe it is.

I looked back over my photos from yesterday’s adventures. Each of the places I visited was built for the purpose of survival. I thought about something a friend from this area said to me: “That area of the Outer Banks, Rodanthe, Salvo, Waves, Hatteras, is the most primitive. When I was growing up down there, I always thought of it as wild, untamed, the people too. I imagine it filled with the spirits of very strong, sturdy folks and pirates. People had to be strong and resilient to survive there. You’re among good spirits.”

Indeed, I feel that.

~~~~~~~~~

Thank-you, Lucy.